Your wedding guest list: plus ones, children, and ceremony or reception only

How do we work out how many guests to invite?

Take two numbers, your venue’s capacity and what you can spend per head, and the smaller one is the size of your list. Everything after that is deciding who fills it.

1. Find your venue’s maximum for the way you’ll use it: seated for dinner holds fewer than standing for cocktails.
2. Divide your food and drinks budget by your caterer’s price per head.
3. Take the lower number, and remember it includes the two of you and the wedding party.
4. Agree how to share it. Some couples split it in thirds between themselves and each family; others give each family a number, or weigh it by who’s contributing. There’s no rule, only what feels fair to you.

Not everyone you invite will come, especially guests who would travel, but invite only as many as you could seat if every one of them said yes.

How do we make and cut the list?

Sort everyone into tiers, and cut from the bottom tier up. Tiers turn hundreds of separate decisions into a few rules you can apply to everyone, which is fairer and far easier to explain.

Rules that make cutting easier

• If neither of you has met them, they’re a parent’s guest, and come from that family’s share.
• If you haven’t spoken in a year or two, they’ll understand.
• Invite a whole team from work, or only the colleagues who are friends outside it.
• You don’t owe anyone an invitation because you went to their wedding.

A and B lists

A B list is a second round, invited as A-list guests decline. Most planners suggest sending the first round 10 to 12 weeks before the wedding with replies due about 6 weeks out, so the second round still arrives with reasonable notice and its own reply date. Invite B-list friends together, a whole circle at once, so nobody is the only one asked late.

Who gets a plus one at a wedding?

The usual rule: anyone who is married, engaged, living together or in a long relationship, and the wedding party. Set your rule once and apply it to everyone, and nobody can feel it was personal.

• Married, engaged or living together: invited as a couple, de facto partners included.
• In a long relationship: choose a length, such as a year, and keep to it.
• The wedding party: usually given a plus one, as thanks for everything they do.
• Guests who won’t know anyone: a plus one is a kindness, if numbers allow.
• Single guests among friends: usually no plus one; they’ll be with people they know.

Name the partner on the invitation whenever you know them. “And guest” is for the rare case where you’re happy for someone to bring a person of their choosing. Requests that arrive after the invitations go out are covered in Wedding RSVPs.

How do we show who the invitation is for?

With the names you write on it. The envelope, or the name at the top of a digital invitation, is the guest list: whoever is named is invited, and whoever isn’t named isn’t.

Never write “and family” on an adults-only invitation: to guests, it means the children too.

How do we have an adults-only wedding, and who’s the exception?

Decide early, say it kindly, and keep any exceptions to a rule you can explain in one sentence. Adults-only weddings are common and perfectly polite; what upsets guests is a rule that seems to bend for some families and not others.

• Children in the wedding party: flower girls and page boys (ring bearers, in the US).
• Immediate family: your own children, nieces and nephews.
• Babies in arms: babies young enough to be held all evening, who need no seat or meal.

An age line works too, such as “guests 16 and over”. Choose the age before anyone asks whether their 12-year-old counts. Tell parents early, on the save the date if you can, so they have time to arrange care. There’s more wording in Wedding invitation wording.

Can we invite some guests to the ceremony only, or the reception only?

Yes, as long as the invitation makes it clear and everyone in a group is treated alike. These are the usual patterns:

• A small ceremony, a bigger reception. Family and closest friends at the ceremony, everyone at the reception. Common when the ceremony venue is small or the ceremony is private.
• Evening guests (UK). A long-standing British custom: guests who join after the ceremony and the wedding breakfast (the meal) for the evening reception and dancing, usually on a separate evening invitation.
• An open ceremony. In some religious communities the congregation is welcome at the ceremony, and the reception is for invited guests.
• Several events, several lists. A Chinese tea ceremony is often for family, with a larger banquet; South Asian and Middle Eastern weddings often have several events with different guests. Practice varies between families: see Chinese wedding invitations and Henna night, Nikah and Walima invitations.

If some guests come to the ceremony only, give them something after it, such as drinks or afternoon tea on the spot, so they aren’t simply waved off at the door.

How do we tell people they aren’t invited, or not to everything?

Early, personally, honestly and briefly, with the same reason for everyone. The real reason (numbers, budget, a small venue) is kinder than an excuse, because it applies to everyone and nobody has to take it personally. Tell the people who might expect an invitation before the invitations land: nobody should find out from a friend’s photo of theirs.

How do we keep count for the venue?

Keep one list with a row for each person, not each invitation, and update it every time an answer comes in. Your venue needs a count of people, and so does your caterer.

• The person’s name, and the household they belong to.
• Which events they’re invited to: the ceremony, the reception or both, and any others.
• Whether they may bring a plus one, and the plus one’s name once you have it.
• Adult or child, and whether a baby needs a seat or a meal.
• Their reply, and any dietary requirements.

Keeping your guest list with Wonderful Invites

With Wonderful Invites, you choose each guest’s parts of the day, the ceremony, the reception or both, and each guest sees only what they’re invited to. Plus ones are allowed on each invitation unless you turn them off; the guest gives their plus one’s name and mobile, and you approve them or welcome them automatically. Good to know says whether it’s adults only or children are welcome.

Basic covers up to 299 guests, and VIP up to 1,000. Add a hens night, a welcome party or a mehndi, each priced by how many you invite, and every guest finds everything they’re invited to in their own wedding hub. You see who has opened their invitation and every reply, so the count for your venue is always up to date.

Questions people also ask